I want to be angelic all the time

How is it for you when you are run down?  Are you in control of your emotions and your reactions to sensory assaults?  Totally a similar thing for me.  Only my body doesn’t wait to be run down.

Bodies of autistics like me are always sort of in that state of survival.  It takes way less to tip our balance to overload.  Always we want to be angelic, but sometimes we can’t help looking aggressive to those that don’t understand us.

From excitement to frustration my body responds the same – smushing my face into Mommy’s cheek and pinching the opposite cheek.  Just can’t help myself.

Bad behaviour, as some may see it, can be an excited kid who can’t contain themselves.  How would you like to be on the verge of a breakthrough and be told you are too wound up, so you are going to stop there?  Ever get nervous when you are trying something new?

I remember being so excited to go on a hike with my parents, that my body basically was car bound and nothing would make it listen and get out.  I am lucky to have now found Spelling to Communicate to let my parents know what excitement not fear or not wanting to.  They were always really supportive and patient, but perceived it was fear or not wanting to.

I hope this helps other parents to work through the dysregulation as much as they can, and give their kids the opportunity to grow and experience life in all its splendor.



Happy Blogging Anniversary to Me

A year ago I started this blog.  I had a good idea what I wanted to say and create, and it has evolved over the year.

It is great to know that so many have enjoyed it, and that it has made a difference for so many.  I am proud of learning from so many of you as well.

I hope to keep expanding and making a difference for my peers and their families.

Always and forever,

[photo credit:  Sharyn Ayliffe Creative]

Joyfully learning with my friends.

Can friends all learn together when they have tricky bodies and live far apart?  YES!

I have started my second and third classes with Outschool.com.  I am enjoying every moment.  Students from all over together with a teacher on Zoom Meeting platform.  All my new friends are enjoying too.

Learning in this way was challenging at first, but the more I do it, the more I am comfortable to sit through the 1 hour class.

“Can we find more classes?”, I ask Mommy.  She says “Sure, when your body is more settled.”  You see, I am so excited to participate that I lose control of my body and impulsively smush and pinch her face through the whole class.  Give we are a team, I think she is right.

Class is not only teaching me different information, it is helping me master body control in a group setting.  I am so proud of my friends who are also working on this and working through their fears and anxiety.  Sometimes the only way out is through.

Can’t wait to add more classes.


I am totally always blessed

Going to the workshop with Elizabeth this weekend, and being part of a group of “No Nonsense Dudes”, as we named ourselves, I was so present to how blessed I am.

Then we go to “Paint and Clay” at Holland Bloorview Rehabilitation Hospital, and again I am washed over with gratitude for my life.  Add to that a violin lesson with Laura Nadine, and lunch at the diner with Poppy and Katie.  Just blessed.

Mommy and Daddy make sure my life is filled with adventure, acceptance and opportunities to grow.

They truly are the best parents.


Being a good actor and model

I am doing some photo shoots with my friend Sharyn Ayliffe.  Being a photography subject and director is fun.

I let Sharyn and Mommy know what I want to wear and where to take the pictures.  I was having a hard body day, so it was hard to naturally smile.

I make a stupid cheesy grin whenever asked to smile.  That makes for horrible pictures.  Joy and internal joking thoughts always bring out my natural smile, and is very hard to capture on film.

100% joy is access to joy filled smiles.  Hopefully in our next shoot my body will cooperate even more.

I love how Sharyn captures me relaxed and pensive, and I look darn handsome.


Being silent doesn’t mean I’m not listening.

I often hear relatives of “non-verbal” children with autism commenting that they don’t think their kids understand.  I am hear to tell you they do.

My parents have always spoken to me like a regular kid – no baby talk or dumbed down language.  Sometimes I feel for kids who’s parents have been led to believe that baby talk is appropriate.  They never get treated with respect.

All my life I have worked harder than anyone to communicate my wants and needs.  Happy to always be a hard worker, but exhausting for everyone.  My body now has stuck patterns of behaviour from those times I did not communicate with Mommy doing the letter board – 12 years of 100% working my butt off just to get some mango.

Don’t get me wrong, Mommy buster her buns with love so I could use my voice to ask for food.  Having that has helped us a lot.

However, I sometimes wish I had learned to spell to communicate sooner.

We all have language, we just can’t speak.  So “non-verbal” is an inaccurate label, almost as ridiculous and demeaning as low-functioning (but I will save that rant for another day).

My biggest wish is for non, minimally, and unreliably speaking people to be always joyfully respected and justifiably included.


Can we all stop being so afraid?

Dear World,

I am writing to ask you to stop being so afraid of being different that your fellow humans.

I know we are all hard-wired to survive, and people who are different are a possible threat.  However, until they are actually inherently a true threat to all you hold dear, allow yourself the opportunity to discover how they see, and operate in the World.  You may just learn something.

We are also hard-wired for community.  100% wanting to fit in.  Always being careful not to say, or do, that which might have us ousted from our tribe.  However, nothing progresses or basically doesn’t expand, without innovative contributions.  Can’t we honour ourselves by always being self-expressed?

Always and Forever,


Can we all care just a little more?

Do you understand when a person with autism is being badly behaved that they have no control over these impulsive actions?

I was having a hard time yesterday because of pressure in the atmosphere.  Headache and body aches galore.

Always asking kindly about what is happening is so helpful.

We went out for my favourite breakfast.  Being a harder body day I stalled until a time that is usually empty.  Am moving, just slowly hoping to avoid a crowd.

Well, that didn’t work.  It is fall and everyone and their aunt was out to see the leaves or hike.  The place was full full full.  So now add on the sensory input and emotions input of the crowd.  A wee bit on edge I was.

To deal I requested headphones and iPad.  I have been working hard on not relying on iPad and being present at breakfast talking with family, but knew it wasn’t a day to work on that.  And guess what?  The WiFi didn’t want to work.  Yes, you read that correctly.

So, my body starts to scream and mush Mommy and yell!  Can you see the whole picture?

All I want is to be good sitting with family eating and chatting, but the cards are stacked against me.

Now add the reactions of the other diners.  While no one said anything I could feel them start to judge and be annoyed.

If only they could understand how I wish to absolutely be an ideal patron.  Or all have one moment where they have no body control.  Then maybe they could muster compassion and caring, and discover love and acceptance as demonstrated by my parents.

I always am my own worst critic, I don’t need their help.  I’ve got that covered.


Can being an angel be real?

Again, just suspend your disbelief as I share my experience of life.

Do all humans age and die?  I’m living in an aging body that is experiencing many changes right now.  Totally hormone based and frankly annoying.  Being stuck in this sea of annoying and uncontrollable emotion surges is like being and doing basically just my walking version of a chemical based biological 100% angelic boy, and pretty much feeling hopeful it is over soon.

Wishing I could skip this part of the human, joyfully growing up, experience.

How do people deal with this junk messing with them?  Always being erratic and reactive is not my favourite.

A divine being is calm, wise, and collected.  Can’t always be beautifully angelic when my body is a slave to hormone surges.  This really sucks.

To 100% believe I am an angel in human form, people expect serenity, joy, and beauty.  Instead I am not always serene or happy, and now I have acne!

Being angelic,


Do bad people always behave in terrible very wrong ways?

All last night I had such a hard time sleeping.  Being a caring and sensitive soul, I could feel the pain of the victims in Edmonton and Las Vegas.

I am totally at a loss of words to describe their emotions.  All came so quickly and powerfully over me.

Do bad people not have another outlet for their anger?

Totally was overwhelmed with the flood of anguish and felt sick to my stomach all night.  Always caring Mommy helped me stay grounded and snuggled me all night.

Basically, just could not block the waves of distraught and shock from effecting me.  To be clear this is not a reaction to being told of these horrendous acts, this is me feeling them as they happen.

I do my very best to always protect myself with crystals, but I don’t think any crystal would have been enough.  There is a different feel to events like last night, where single humans be filled with such rage and act it out on innocent people.  I am always effected by worldly tragedy, however this type of senseless violence has a flavour all its own.

When will humanity learn that love is the answer?